yes i have the courage to say that im a conformist. "walking against the crowd",no sir thats not me.
but my biggest problem still remains that i dont fit.as a young lady aged five i was sent away to live with my grand parents in cuttack(small town india).in school when others were getting their parents to p.t.ms i was taking my grand mother ,i didnt fit.when there were festivals my ailing grandfather would be in bed and i would be handed a pichkari without any colour("you'll spoil the court yard") and would play with the plants in the court yard, no sir i didnt fit. an occasional trip home to my paternal grand parent and to my dad who wouldnt talk to me,i still didnt fit.all the other girls had stories about their family,hindi music,cartoons or animated games play house house,barbie barbie etc,i didnt have a barbie cuz they are anorexic dolls that children shouldnt play with and was banned from bollywood music so i wasnt a big part of the games,yes again i failed to fit.
then after a flurry of entrance exams i was sent to darjeeling.Mount Hermon School darjeeling, cold,homesick and mostly unable to communicate,their was one other girl who spoke bengali but it was mandatory to peak in english.cant flout rules can i. so if i needed something id resort to dumb charades.using tissue paper,learning english,sleep on the ringing of a bell,eat,bath a bell is life.but this was what i wanted to fit in and i almost did before came pernicious puberty.
at home i was taught that im a big girl so why are my friends still little girls,is this natural,am i not to play with them. then my mum married again and off i was to calcutta.
no sir i wish i fitted here i didnt.it was worse friends had been made.i spoke bengali with an english twang(shes boasting).you are not a part of the group.offcourse till it settled and i ended confirming to the group requirements.but still if i spoke my mind"bhaant bokiis na".you still dont fit.
and than came college.confirmity atlast.i've learnt better to let myself loose in the social jungle if you have something out of the normal like if you like studying for fun,or cant tolerate hum aapke hain kaun keep it under wraps dear.the blog is always there.nobody reads it anyway.
yes its a confirmation that i fit into the billions of women round the world desparately trying to lead normal lives, "fit in".
